Why Relationships aren't my thing

I know it’s too many times that I may cry wolf, but this time I am sincere. I would like to apologize to all my readers for being lazy and not posting stuff as promised. Am I forgiven? Thanx :)

Now, before you find out why yours truly does not believe in matrimony, pliz read today’s dullsville section, will you?

Dullsville section  

A wise once said “Great ideas only speak to the thoughtful and the intelligent. Great actions speak to all mankind.” You know, sometimes in life we might have big dreams and big ideas, but we just lack the will to follow through and them dreams into realities. At times, we feel like no one appreciates our efforts so we throw in the towel too soon.

But you know what? At times all it takes is encouragement from that one special friend to reignite your dreams. That one friend that will remind you that you are on the right track and encourage you not to give up.

When I started this blog, I had a dream that it would grow to a leading blog that teens worldwide would relate to. I had dreams of reaching the million-viewership-per-post mark. But as time went by, my psyche just waned and I almost forgot I had a blog out there. It took the intervention of a friend, Enid, to get me back to work. Enid saw in me what even I myself had not seen before.

Thanx to her, I now promise to be churning new stuff on this blog weekly. To Enid, and all you who have taken the time to read today’s dullsville section, today’s blogpost is dedicated.

Why Relationships and marriage aren’t my cup of tea.

His name is Barney Stevenson, my favourite character in the TV comedy “How I Met Your Mother.” All the other characters in the comedy are in serious relationships, except him. The guy is just too fly to get himself in this mess we call relationships. As opposed to Barney, the other characters are always entangled in emotional turmoil and sometimes trauma.

On the other hand, the furthest Barney has ever gone with a lady is a one night stand. If you happen to sleep with Barney twice in the same year, then you must be extremely lucky. My hero seems to be going by the motto “Love is for the weak. The strong ones flirt.”  Barney’s height of flirtation? He always carries a love letter in his pocket that starts with “To whom it may concern.”

What is this that makes Barney my hero? First of all, when it comes to relationships, I and Barney are on the same page. I’ve been in many relationships before, but all they bring are emotional disasters and heart aches.  Yeah. Why do people get into relationships in the first place?

Secondly, both of us fully appreciate the freedom that comes with being single and by having flings with no strings attached. I mean, I can’t flirt with this cute lady beside me in the bus just because am in a relationship! Come on, that’s bullsh*t! Being single accords you freedom not only to flirt on facebook, but also to do other stuff like attending this overnight concert without having to consult your partner. Oh, and it saves you airtime too!

Love Fades

Boy spots girl at this party and since the girl is extremely beautiful, boy makes his move. When he says hi, she smiles blushfully before she replies with a cheerful hi. They call it love at first sight. The rest, as they say, is history – but very bitter history. Girl falls 4 boy head over heals, and for quite sometime, everything seems to be going fine. But sometime later boy meets another girl in another party. What follows is as predictable as the pope is Catholic.

What is my point? Sometimes back, just after I had broken up with some girl, my best friend, Sabina, came to learn about it and she asked “Why Bro?” My reply was simple “Siz, nothing lasts forever. “

Now that’s exactly my point: NOTHING LASTS FOREVER. Don’t cheat yourself that your relationship, no matter how sweet it is now, will last forever. Even pyramids do crumble. He might seem like your prince charming right now. She might seem to be your Cinderella today. Your relationship might put Juliet and Romeo to shame. But that is just its present tense. As time goes by, trouble will brew. Your boyfriend will change. Your girlfriend will find someone better. Love will fade. Your fairytale will turn into an ogre narrative. And you will join Maroon 5 and Wizz Khalifa in singing:

Am at the payphone, trying to call home… All of my change I spent on you

Where have the times gone? Babe it’s so wrong! Where are the plans we made for two?

If happy ever after did exist,

I will still be holding you like this…

All those fairytales are full of shit

One more stupid love song I’ll be sick

You see, when it comes to relationships, a happy ever after is as real as Santa Claus. Show me the perfect couple and I will show you the future divorcées. It may seem perfect right now, but it is bound to hurt later. It might be tomorrow, or next week, or next year, or ten years down the line. But take my word, it is bound to hurt. Avant, in the hit single When it Hurts, asks this question:

There’s fantasies and realities,

Baby which one are we living in?

When it hurts will still be,

Same true lovers,

All over each other?

So forgive what you heard,

The only way this will work

Is when you love me when it hurts

Avant and I are of the same opinion that the only way for relationships to work out is when the partners love each other while it hurts. That’s because relationships do hurt. It hurts when you find out your partner’s cheating on you. It hurts when your guy demands to know who’s that person that’s just called and made you smile. It hurts when your girlfriend gets mad after she finds out that you attended this jam session without her prior permission. It hurts when you will have to sacrifice some of your dreams for the sake of the relationship. It hurts when you have to keep a distance from some girls just coz your girlfriend is the jealous type. It hurts when they make you feel unappreciated. It hurts when they always want to get their way. It hurts when he just cannot understand why you are not ready to have sex yet. It hurts when her feelings for you fade, and she hangs on to the relationship just coz she’s afraid of breaking your heart. It hurts when he gets mad at you because you didn’t reply to his text. It hurts, it hurts, and it hurts.

The person who invented the phrase “From the frying pan into the real fire” must have witnessed two human beings jumping from engagement to marriage. I mean; marriage? You gotta be kidding me! Why do you think the Swahili call it pingu za maisha, which translates to handcuffs of life? Till death do us part? Come on, what will you do if your love towards each other fades 5 years into the matrimony? And pliz don’t lie to yourself that it won’t fade. Remember the hilarious Galsheet Mabati commercial? Even paint on iron roofs lasts longer than love! I mean; to bind yourself to one individual for life! The conversation below is between me and my former love doctor (I fired her when I stopped believing in everlasting love) Winnie. It clearly gives you an idea about how I react when I hear there’s a wedding around the corner.

2012.05.26 13:49

Me: Hi Winnie, Wasup?

Winnie: Am gud J Attending my cousin’s pre-wedding

Me: O, my! Is the guy sane?

Winnie: Why? C ofcourse!

Me: In my books, only insane men walk down the isle.

Winnie: Really?! That means U'll neva?

Me: Yea. Neva! Ask Sabina, and she'll tell u the story of my 'civil partnerships'

There’s this neighbour of ours who did a grand wedding on December last year. But going by the things his wife does to him nowadays, one can safely opt to be a bachelor for life. What would you do when your wife wakes up one morning, takes your laptop to the trash, and sets in fire? What if she resorts to breaking all the dishes and electronics (your plasma 3D 32” TV set included) after you’ve had only a slight disagreement? That is what Mathu, my neighbour who had a grand wedding 9 months ago, is going through. And people say am insane when I tell them I’ll walk down the isle when hell gets cold!

 Take a look at our very own first family here in Kenya. Staff that have quit from the state house have report that Lucy, the first Lady, was forced to stay out of the limelight because she was embarrassing her husband. A sad story, which we all know too well, is told of Bill and Hillary Clinton. The Prime Minister’s son, Fidel Odinga, had a nasty divorce has just remarried. Our Big Brother Africa hero, Prezzo, has tied the note before but is currently single. I do not wish to be the devil’s advocate, but I doubt that Prince William and Cate, Nameless and Wahu, Beyonce and Jay-z, Kanye and Kim, will make it that far. Heck! Even my own parents are divorced!

A Wedding I attended last weekend.

The Swahili say “Mapenzi ni Kuvumiliana.” Now am not condemning relationships, but am just saying that they aren’t my cup of tea. Am not strong enough to persevere the tides that come along with the hurricane called Matrimony. If I can’t manage a relationship, how am I supposed to survive marriage? A lady would have to be really special to make me change my perspective. Otherwise, unless someone drops me an email here, or comments below, I continue to be as obstinate as a mule.

Which is the solution?

Relationships offer some form of joy, which you can also experience while being single. How? For details on how you can be able to eat your cake and have it, join me next week same place, same time. As for now, I’d rather believe in pastor Simon Njoroge’s miracles than believe in love.

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